Little Tiny Bits of Red Paper Everywhere

One time a friend of mine who had known me for more than half my life and yet never really knew me very well asked, "Why do you keep a blog?" My reaction, perhaps unfairly or unnecessarily, was to respond defensively to what I assumed was a veiled accusation of self-obsession. Of course I could keep a diary and never show it to anyone. And singers could only sing in their cars and painters would paint behind locked doors.  I keep this blog and I publish it to everyone because somehow, by making it public, it holds me responsible for what I include in this blog and what I don't.  I enjoy the discipline and the descretion of it. I find that it adds a level of nuance to my life that I rather enjoy.  It also helps me remember things in this crazy life of mine that I would otherwise forget. Somehow, forgetting big experiences in my life is something I am becoming afraid of.  I already have a horrible and shameful habit of repeating stories I have already told many times.

I also think that the exposure is good for me. And by that I don't mean that a bunch of strangers read what I write but rather, as someone who has spent a good deal of energy hiding or masking her flaws, I let them all hang out here. Despite the fact that I worked in an editorial role for many years, I am not a writer and I am not an editor. I like to write things down and I need a long time and many, many passes to make my writing grammatically error-free. What I am good at is bringing talented and inspiring people together to accomplish whatever needs to be accomplished--so when I need to write for my job, I have an army of competent people to help me get it done write (ha ha). So, as annoying or distracting as it might be, you will still see typos and redundant phrases in this blog.  It's not laziness....I could spend hours if I chose rereading everything I ever wrote looking for mistakes. It's just...out there.

For a few weeks now I have been trying to think about this entry...what do I want to say at the end of the most intense year of my life?  I was tempted at first to write out a laundry list in bullet points of everything I have done, just to remind myself how much I did.  But all of that is pretty well documented in this blog and I find little entertainment value in drafting the end credits.

The one thing I did want to bring round from this time last yeat was the condition I found Amsterdam to be in when I arrived here.  There were little bits of red paper scattered throughout the city.  I'd arrived in Amsterdam on January 6 a week after New Years.  Everywhere I stepped I was stepping on or around these soggy little scraps of faded red paper. I never bothered to ask what it was. I don't know why, probably too busy being freaked out having just permanently moved to another country.

Now I know where that paper comes from. For a few days leading up to New Years Eve, fireworks start exploding in the air.  The fireworks come packaged in that red paper. On New Years Eve, the fireworks increase in frequency.  Mind you, there are roman candles and sparklers at every turn, but the small to medium sized fireworks that actually explode in a colorful plume in the air are ignited and launched right in the street or on people's porches. Absolutely illegal in the U.S., probably in Amsterdam too, and wildly unsafe. But, amsterdam is nothing if not an exercise in chaos theory. Sure, there were ambulances running over each other the whole night and for sure they were carrying people who got a firework in the eye or passed out drunk on a street, but for as many people as I am sure get injured or damaged this time of year, it certainly could always be a lot worse.

As the New Year clock counts down through the final second of the year, all hell breaks loose. Fireworks and firecrackers are shot off in such abundance that it makes a sound like very loud hail raining down.  It last for about an hour. I have never experienced anything like it and to be honest, I didn't enjoy it entirely.  It feels unsafe, the city becomes trashed, and I have delt with enough noise issues this year. Michael enjoyed it much more than I did. I will play a fuddy duddy card here and hope that we will be on a quiet island somewhere avoiding Amsterdam for the last 48 hours of the year. I will need to bring Charlotte, she was frightened the whole day, poor thing. I also thought about all the birds that must have be so scared.   We spent the New Year moment watching the fireworks out of our brand new attic sky lights. That part I liked.

I have so much I wanted to say that I find myself not being able to say anything at all. After not having seen Michael for four months, he just left today after a two week visit. It wasn't nearly enough time. But with each visit our goodbyes become less and less sad. This is the final leg of a five year journey since the day he told me he wanted to go to law school.  He'll graduate (hopefully :-)  in Spring.  And then life will get normal again for as long as we can stand it, which never seems to be for very long. 

I guess this is where I decide to keep things a bit to myself. I am so grateful for the new friendships I made this year, for the old friendships that were strengthened. For the old and dear friends who I miss in the US and the old and dear friends who ended up here in Amsterdam for a good long while.   I am grateful for this noisy house. I will learn to paint and paint its walls. 

I'm grateful for my job. I realized that there isn't one single person at work who I don't like. I can't think of a time in my professional career where that has ever happened. There is always that one asshole who you avoid in the hallways and elevators. I don´t work with any assholes!  I work in a marketing world but still, this is still a high tech environment. To work in a high tech environment and not have to deal with at least one colassal dickweed is a miracle. (Having just said that, I realize that by process of elimination combined with the fact that I work in high tech, there must be at least one dickweed in the whole company and that person must therefore be yours truly. Aw crap).

I am proud of having done all the many things I needed to do this year. The one thing I am disappointed in is my language skills. Everyone was so impressed with how far I had advanced after my three months of lanugage classes were completed. But to continue to improve, I need more classes and I haven't had any. So as my progress has stopped, so too has my language intelligence quotient. What was once genius miracle progress is now my turning into just another one of those incredibly irritating and insulting foreigners who can't be bothered to learn the language. I still really can't speak, read or write.. Everyone still laughs at me including the janitor or every customer service rep I have ever had to call.  The more you learn the more you realize how much you have to learn. I need to take my classes again and I am being very realistic and admitting that finding the time is going to be challenging.

And I guess that's about it. The Year of the Set Up has come to pass. I am indeed set up. I am deep into my job. Deep into my house. I have all my permits and visas and bank accounts. I have wireless. I have a cell phone. I have a DVD player and I know how to use it. I know where to get everything I could ever need for my kitchen....even if I need to go to every corner of Amsterdam to get it. I have my water softener. Ik kan een beetje nederlands spreken. I plan to do a bit more travelling. Michael is graduating. The house will continue to be worked on. I will take a real vacation.    I will sleep in my ownbed. My prediction for 2008 is that it will be an amazing year for many people.

I wish everyone the most sincere wishes of optimism, good health, love, music, and peace.  Let's make incredible things happen and show each other mind blowing kindness.